Letting It Out
By Choy Xue Min, Registered Counsellor
As a counsellor for patients undergoing fertility treatments, tears are a part and parcel of my work. Some are tears of joy; others are tears of frustration and sadness.
When a couple does not succeed in becoming pregnant after undergoing IVF, it is common for them to shed tears, especially the woman. After an anxiety-ridden 2-week wait, some women may feel overwhelmed with sadness when their pregnancy test comes out negative. This is when they tend to cry, in front of the doctor, nurses and counsellor.
It is normal to feel sad, as sadness is among the 6 universal feelings. The other universal feelings are anger, surprise, fear, disgust and happiness. When we are sad, we may feel the need to cry, but we tend to hold back our tears out of embarrassment or to avoid negative judgement or unnecessary attention.
Speaking to a counsellor allows you to let out your emotions without the fear of being labelled as weak or attention-seeking. Crying is not a sign of weakness. Physiologically, it helps to release pent-up emotions and eliminate stress hormones from your system, which is why you always feel better after a good bout of crying.
Tears shed are not of sadness alone. During our support group meetings for IVF couples, I sometimes see the husband or wife shedding tears of joy or appreciation for one another. The IVF journey is not an easy path, and it is always the love for each other that makes the journey less dreadful.
Husbands usually do not cry when receiving sad news about unsuccessful pregnancies, but they undoubtedly feel the pain just as much. However, they have to remain strong and steadfast in order to provide emotional support to their wives in those crucial moments.
Seeing their wives undergo the treatment with perseverance and determination often touches the husbands, creating a stronger bond between them in the process. Having a shared goal, in this instance of wanting a baby, is a strong connecting factor for a couple, thus it is important for both the husband and wife to be equally committed to treatment.
So if you are feeling tearful, don’t be afraid to let it flow. Keeping it cooped up will only aggravate your pain and sense of loneliness. Speak to a counsellor or join our support group to meet others. Just remember that you need not walk alone.
Choy Xue Min is a Registered Licensed Counsellor with a Master degree in Counselling Psychology from Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM). Passionate about helping couples and families maintain harmonious relationships, she is a certified Trainer for the’ Journey to Intimacy’ workshop by Dr Huang Wei-Jen from Northwestern University, USA, as well as a Trainer for Mental Health Facilitator Program by the National Board for Certified Counselors, USA. The mother of two boys believes in the concept of mindfulness and encourages assertive communication in any form of relationship.